Feng Shui Hearts To Heal Your Marriage
There are times when you just feel like there is nothing you can do to improve a situation. You've done everything you can think of, at least twice, and you've just about lost all hope that there's anything at all that can help anymore.
That's where I was a couple of years ago with our marriage. I really believed it was over, and that it was just a waiting game until we reached a point where separating would be feasible. It was worse pain to live with than losing my mother. My mother had moved on, but Paul was in the house everyday. When you love someone so much, but feel like your relationship is dying, it's a different level of agony than someone you love actually dying.
I could see so much potential in my husband, but I was so controlling and such a nag, that I never gave him the space to begin to see things for himself. In April of 2016 I started listening to the amazing The Mind Your Business Podcast by James Wedmore and Pheobe Mrozceck. One of the first episodes was with Karen Rauch Carter, a feng shui specialist, and it totally rocked my world.
We are squirrels. No doubt about it. We save every little thing in case we need it one day (from spare computer parts and cables, to empty loo roll tubes... I know, I know, but I HATE waste!). We have gotten better over the years, but it's still an issue we deal with all the time.
So when I listened to Karen speaking about how every little thing in your home carries energy, and that depending on its placement within the home it will either positively or negatively impact your life, I gained a new understanding of the saying, "As without, so within".
Much of what has led us on this path has been the growing understanding that humans, in all their glorious physicality living on this gloriously physical planet, are energetic beings first and foremost. And we are therefore affected by the energy of physical and non-physical objects within our space, just as readily as we would be affected by a current of electricity passing through our bodies.
So when Karen described how your surroundings, your home's orientation and your physical objects are all affecting your vibration and energy, it made a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. It also chagrined me somewhat to look around at my home and realise it was definitely NOT working for us.
I promptly bought Karen's book on Amazon, which I was blessed to find second-hand for under £3 which meant I could actually afford to get it, and then immediately began work on our home.
One of the things that became apparent right away was that our home was missing the whole of the"Relationship Gua"; the area of the house that energetically deals with relationships. This was a big deal for me, what with our marriage all but on the rocks and my struggles to figure things out.
Side note: if you want to know where the relationship gua of your home is, imagine transposing a grid of 9 squares over your house, and the relationship gua is the square at the very back - right of the grid, starting from the font door. The main relationship area is downstairs for a two-storey house, or on the main living level in a multi-level home. But each room in the house also can be divided up this way, with the back - right corner of the room being the relationship gua of that room. The second most powerful area for the Relationship energy is the relationship gua of the master bedroom.
I hope this makes sense! If not, honestly, just get the book. It's a fantastically entertaining read, and explains everything in plain English, unlike all the other feng shui books I tried.
Because of where this area was located for us (just behind the garage) most of the time it was just full of junk. Literally; it's where we would put our trash bags.
I managed to clean it up a little, but with Paul's workshop in the garage, it has never managed to stay clean, let alone inviting or harmonious-looking. It's an outside space that is totally shaded all day long, which made putting plants in pots there a bit hit and miss as to what would grow. I had to come up with something else.
I decided to make use of the wardrobe door in the relationship area of our bedroom, which thankfully happened to be my side of the wardrobe, or I would have had a lot of explaining to do! Following some of the tips in Karen's book, I came up with idea of creating "hidden message" feng shui hearts to put up on the wardrobe door, with the idea being that the hidden messages would carry good energy into our relationship.
Over a year and a half later, I can confidently say that I really believe they worked. And I never told Paul what they were; he'll find out when he reads this post! He probably just thought they were one of my less-than-vogue crafty moments that I'd forgotten to ever take down.
The first thing that happened, around June-time, was that I found the book I'd forgotten I had that helped our marriage the first time round, in 2008. It's called "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle and I cannot recommend it enough. Within re-reading the first few chapters, I realised that the breakdown of our marriage was mostly my fault, not his. We hadn't lost common ground, we'd just stopped walking on it together.
True, he had a lot of work to do, but I could not make him do any of it, and I certainly had plenty of my own work to do besides. I realised that all I could do was work on myself and do the things that were within my control to do, like stop nagging and criticising him. It never got me anywhere, and rightly so - who wants to be nagged and criticised ALL. THE. TIME? I remembered how much our relationship improved the first time, and remembered the reasons I fell in love with him all those years ago, and it was like a light-switch flipped in my mind.
That night, lying in bed in the dark, I couldn't keep the tears in. I had nearly lost the man I loved more than anything else in the world (we had come very close to giving up several times over the previous 2 years) and I realised that I NEVER wanted to be without him, no matter what. I thought he was asleep, but he turned over and asked what was wrong.
It took a while to get it out, but I told him that I was sorry for the difficulty I'd put us through with my need to control everything, and that I couldn't believe it nearly drove us apart. I explained that losing my mother, having to go through 2 house-moves (buying and selling twice in the space of 30 months) and dealing with the breakdown of our relationship made me feel like I had no control of anything in my life - it left me completely vulnerable and feeling the desperate need to control something. It felt like I had lost not only my Mom but my husband too; I had never felt so lonely.
I told him that deep inside I believed that we would always work things out, but my need to control everything had made it hard to see how that could happen this time round.
He took me in his arms and I just felt a massive gush of emotion, like a tightly-walled dam that just burst apart. I didn't even realise how much I'd been holding in, and holding back from him. It was a huge relief to not have to hold back the love that had begun to coagulate into hate inside my heart.
But giving up the control (which was like pulling my fingernails out by wicks every single day!) left a vaccuum in my life that I had to fill up in other ways, like working on my business idea, seeking knowledge about spirituality and connecting to who I really was inside. I wish I could say I spent more time with my children, but I was so desperate to just figure out what to do with my own life and figure out how to nurture our marriage to provide them with a stable home, that looking after their basic needs was about all I could manage.
I don't know if it was my letting-go, or the spirituality-based talk I refused to not speak about in front of him, even though I knew he hated it, or whatever else... But slowly he started making changes that proved to me that he was working on himself too, even if he wouldn't admit it. It was hard on me; I could sense the growth taking place, but couldn't see any real evidence of it yet and it was really frustrating.
But over the course of the last 8 months my husband has become a different man. Like a seed suddenly pushes up a seedling from beneath the soil and grows measurably day by day, suddenly all the changes I sensed within him have become tangible, evident changes in his actions, attitudes, and way of being. He is still him but he's grown up, really taken responsibility for his life, and re-organised his priorities vastly.
I still sometimes bring something up that would have sparked an argument before, and expect that to happen, but he doesn't respond in that way anymore. We actually have real discussions and conversations about things now. I have to keep reminding myself that he really has changed, deeply, at the core of his being. This time he didn't spew a bunch of words he thought I wanted to hear just to get me off his back. This time, he simply took hold of the reins and took control, with nary a word spoken.
He openly told me about our financial situation rather than me finding out again.
He has been instigating tangible changes to improve our parenting, relationship and our future (something he NEVER did before - it was always all-talking-no-doing).
He deleted his Youtube channel and sold his lathe because he identified it all as a time-wasting distraction from what was more important to him (this was a BIG deal for him).
He is open to criticism (if I deliver it appropriately) which he NEVER was before.
He is willing to listen to me and talk through things .
We now spend much more time talking and dreaming together, than watching TV.
And many other little things besides, but this post is getting way long enough already!
Now, you can say that these kinds of changes happen naturally, or that it's a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, and I don't care whether it was a 'placebo' effect or not. Either way, our relationship now displays ALL of the attributes listed below, which it didn't before I put those hearts up. For nearly 15 years our relationship followed the same patterns, over and over and despite all the work I did to help us improve things, it never actually got us anywhere. But within 18 months of putting those hearts up, I now have the kind of marriage I could only have dreamed about before.
I have many other examples of how feng shui improved our lives, some subtly, some more obviously, but if you want to make some feng shui "hidden message" hearts, then I better shut up and get to the instructions!
So, here's how to make them. You will need:
Coloured paper in pink, red, white and yellow.
Laminator and pouches or sticky-backed plastic ('Contact' in the US - optional, but recommended)
A list of the attributes you want your relationship to have - eg for mine I had "friendship" & "fun" in yellow, "honesty" & "trust" in white, "romance" & "love" in pink and "passion" and "desire" in red.
Place 2 sheets of same-coloured paper back-to-back. Fold them in half length-wise so you have a long rectangle. Draw half-heart shapes with the fold in the centre of the heart, or simply cut them out directly. Make them as big or small as you would like, but ensure you end up with 2 exactly the same size each time, so that when you stick the two together they match up. You follow?
This method is also designed to make good use of the energy of pairs of things - two hearts in each colour, and each heart is two matching hearts stuck together - which is good feng shui for attracting loving "couple" energy.
When you have the number of heart-couples you need (two in each colour is good as I said, but make as many as you want!) then you can write your attributes on one side of each pair in the chalk. Just press lightly, you won't need to see it for the energy to work, nor do you want an impression of the word to be visible on the outside (then it wouldn't be very hidden would it?).
Glue your heart-couples together and either laminate them or cover both sides in sticky-backed plastic, to protect your hearts for the length of time you'll have them around. They will last a long time, and ideally you'll keep them up for life, because, who doesn't want great relationships for life?!
If you don't want them to be overtly visible, you most likely have some piece of furniture you can stick them up in or behind. For instance if you are putting them up in the relationship area of your house, you may have a sofa you can move to put it up on the wall behind. If there is a cupboard in the way, you can use the inner or outer door, or even the back wall of the cupboard, and then put things in front of them.
Either way, they are pretty enough that it really shouldn't matter whether or not they are visible, as long as you can make them work within in the surroundings. And if you don't want them up in the main relationship gua, put them up in the master bedroom as I did. Like I said, they really don't need to visible to influence the energy positively. But that also works the other way too - hidden junk and clutter may not be visible to you, but their energies will still affect you.
So, that's it! A very LONG post for a rather simple craft; but as you can see it was deeply impactful for us. My mother always said "KISS it - Keep It Simple, Stupid!" and as usual, her little 'pearls of wisdom' were right on the button.
Simplicity wins the day most of the time doesn't it? Please let me know if you try this and what changes you notice! Remember, it could take some time. But keep looking for the changes along the way. Wishing you the most beautiful marriage, relationship, partnership and love-life imaginable.