• Tam Johnson

The Book That Saved My Life

Well 2020 has been a doozy of a year so far. I truly hope you and yours are well and coping the best you can in whatever situation you now find yourself in.

The truth is, most people are still waiting for things to go back to "normal". But there's never been a time in history that resembles the state of things as they are now, so we have zero frame of reference as to how things will be in the next 1, 5, 10 years time. And certainly, never has humanity been through anything like this and NOT come out the other side a changed world of people and practice. There is no going back. We can only move forward. We don't know what's coming next, all we can do is be brave and embrace the changes that are happening in faith that everything will work out for our highest good in time.

When I wrote about the BIG things to come for this year in my last post, I can honestly say I never expected THIS. Who could have? But it wasn't just the state of mind I had to maintain (which I'll talk more about in a second) when faced with the potential threat of Covid consuming our lives, we had a business that suddenly became the only operating nursery in about a 50mile radius, so we were slammed! Having no employees and the ability to adapt swiftly and in line with the restrictions meant that we were not only able to keep our lovely loyal customers happy, but received many many more new customers in the process.

We felt so totally blessed to not only have moved HERE, to a remote and sheltered location, but also to have a business that actually benefited from the situation, rather than be destroyed by it. And when I look back at everything that had to happen in my life to get me to this point, it can ONLY be divinely orchestrated. But despite feeling that way, I was plagued by a thought that I could scarcely speak aloud...

Something I didn't mention in my last post, because I just couldn't bring myself to admit it, was a really deeply disturbing belief I created in myself that started as a kind-of attention-seeking joke when I was a kid. Just to sound cool, I would say things to new friends about how I "had this feeling I won't make it to my 35th birthday". And of course, the more I said it, the more I started to believe it. Fast-forward to my birthday last year (my 34th) and suddenly this intense fear awakened in me that I might have actually set myself on a path to create that eventuality through my focus on it for so many years.

Then when I fell pregnant, I thought, "This is it, this is how I'm going to die. When I go into the hospital and take the pills or have the surgery, it'll either kill me or they'll find something terribly wrong with me that will confirm I'm going to die." Even when I'd been for major surgery as a teenager, was I less terrified of going to a hospital than I was the day we went. But I kept telling myself that I knew better now, that I could change my beliefs, that I trusted my body and my Source, and that it was all just a lesson. I spent every night visualising the pregnancy ending naturally, the blood starting to flow, telling my body that it's not a viable pregnancy and trusting that my amazing body would know this, and would do the things it needed to, just like it does every month.

And it worked. By not giving in to the fear, and by training my focus instead on trusting and loving my body and allowing what would naturally happen to happen naturally, I came out the other side of the experience completely renewed in my confidence in my body, and of my power to create my reality. Or so I thought.

Then Covid hit. And all that fear came rushing back. THIS was how I was going to die!

Luckily, because the miscarriage experience was so fresh in my mind, and because we were SOOO incredibly busy in the nursery, I really didn't have the time to dwell on it. Instead, I did what I could - bought in some herbs I knew would beef up our immune systems, focused on avoiding foods and other immune-suppressing things like giving in to the fear, avoided the media as much as humanly possible, and focused on being of service to our community who needed us (and their gardens).

Right at the time we were expected to see the "top of the curve" here in the UK I came down with some very odd symptoms for a few days - tight chest, fatigue, the inability to walk more than a few paces without feeling winded and a truly nasty headache. I still don't know if that was Covid or just symptoms I'd taken on from snippets I'd caught in the media or what people mentioned when we saw them, but I simply plied myself with garlic, got as much rest as I could while working on our nursery website's new online shop, and just kept going. Afterwards when I thought about it, I decided "might as well label it as covid" and therefore tell myself I am immune. And I've had no problems since, even though we've been in constant contact with the public and despite having a close friend who had really severe symptoms twice (again, never confirmed though).

Then, as if to really cement in me that I have total control over my health and my body, I had another experience which tested me greatly, and was ultimately so liberating, I couldn't not share it here. It happened in such a round-about kind of way, I knew it was the Universe giving me a good shove in the right direction!

I ended a friendship, and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very long time. It was extremely stressful and painful, and what made it worse was that after sending the email to her, I never got a response. Not a single word.

It was like pulling the pin on a grenade and then it doesn't go off when you expect it to - so you just can't relax because you expect it to blow any second, and most likely when you're unprepared.

I woke up one morning with my neck completely rigid. I immediately understood that it was an emotional manifestation and because I couldn't move I spent the day re-reading the amazing book by Steve Ozanich "The Great Pain Deception". I'd only ever read a few chapters before, and it had been enough at the time to really help me believe that pain was not necessarily a physical issue, but created by the mind to distract us from a deeply painful emotion our ego decided we were not equipped to deal with.

This time I read and worked through the whole book.

I don't even have words to describe the transformation that took place in me due to the insights I gained from it. By the end of that first day, I had almost full motion in my neck again as I realised it was rage at being ignored after I'd given so much to our "friendship". I understood so clearly for the first time how "my autoimmune disease" was actually just a collection of symptoms I'd been experiencing that my mind had kept perpetuating because they were so good at keeping my attention on my body instead of my emotions.

I could pin-point with deadly accuracy everything I'd been through in my life that was followed by a new symptom because I couldn't deal with the emotional fall-out of the experience. The worst being after my mother died and my auto-immune symptoms ratcheted through the roof. For many years my mind diverted my attention from the deep rage of being abandoned, to my body.

And in fact, it was just yesterday (after another bout of pain in my left breast {which my mind KNOWS will get my full attention because my mum's cancer manifested in her left breast}) that I sat down to journal it out and realised how much anger I still held over her untimely death, and for checking out instead of fighting for us. But as I journalled I just kept writing "thank you for..." and filled 5 pages. By the end I realised that I had SOOO much more to thank her for than to forgive to her for, and that actually, even those things I was forgiving her for weren't really even an issue anymore. There was everything to appreciate and nothing left to forgive. Within an hour of finishing the pain in my breast was completely gone.

The shift in me that occurred as a result of reading that book was profound. It made me realise I was NEVER sick. I was NEVER in danger of dying due to actual physical disease, though I could easily have manifested that if I didn't learn to reign in my mind. I honestly believe that this book has saved my life, because without it, I wouldn't have been completely able to let go of the fear leading up to my birthday, and I probably would've manifested some crazy accident or who-knows-what.

And while I won't start eating foods I believe to be bad for me just because, and I won't forsake my healthy habits, I know now that I don't have to FEAR these foods because it never was them causing my health issues in the first place. In fact, I remember how I used to tell everyone I had the "stomach of an ox" and could eat even 2 day old shellfish and be fine, because I believed I could. I never caught stomach bugs, or got ill from foreign foods because of this belief. That only changed after my unexpected c-section with my oldest son, and now I understand it was because I held onto so much anger from that experience - I literally couldn't "stomach" what had happened to me.

And so, no longer burdened by chronic fatigue, or fear over whether or not I'll be able to commit to doing something because I might not have the energy on the given day, nor faced with the fear of dying before my birthday, I found a new zest for everything in my life - I'm happier, I have more fun with my kids, I laugh so much more, I've taken on a new business (which I'll write about in my next post) I have so much energy, and best of all, I'm completely relaxed if I do eat a biscuit because I know that tiny amount of gluten simply can't do the damage I used to imagine it would.

Above all, I went on to have THE best birthday I've ever had in my life!

It was a combination of having a best friend to share it with, the relief and joy of getting to the day itself in the deep knowing that I am totally whole and sound (though still human of course - there's always going to be things that will crop up but now I know I can totally deal with them!). It was being here, where 90% of my dreams have already come true, and the eager anticipation of the other 10% being not far ahead, and that I have all the energy and resources I need to make them happen. It was the unbridled enthusiasm and joy I'd regained for the life ahead of me, that for the past year I'd been too afraid to imagine because I genuinely wasn't sure I'd be here.

That book rocked my world. It shook me up and challenged me in ways I didn't know were possible. It strangled the inner sceptic with unshakeable proof as I started to live into the experience of what he calls "knowledge therapy". It was a book that helped me to put the jumble of puzzle pieces I had my mind into a complete picture, and never again will I doubt my capacity for self-healing. Obviously if I got hit by bus, I'd like to be taken to the nearest hospital please... But for everything else, I know now. I can handle it.

Read this book, please.

So much love to you,

Tam x x

(Please note: this post contains an affiliate link. Thanks for your support!)

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